There are fighters who do not know how to trash talk or to have, or to have their emmisaries, shoot flaming arrows on the internet.
Obviously, certain items are required for a proper fistic flame war, such as the one currently being conducted between Nate Campbell and Joan Guzman on Boxingconfidential.com. They are:
Playing the dozens. You must get in at least dig, preferably obscene, about the other guy?s wife, sister, mistress, grandmother, whatever. You know, like your mama is so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. Fifty bonus points for a mention of a sexual pleasure tool such as a dildo. You’re going for crass, not class.
Ripping some former job the other guy had before he became a successful boxer. For example, hey Jones after you fight me, you will have to return to your old job as a lifeguard at Waxy?s Car Wash. Or, when I knock you out, you will go back to being a caddy at Slim Jim?s Amarillo Miniature Golf. Make sure to advise your clients not to knock the ball into the clown?s mouth. Or yours.
A financial insult. You might say, hey Smith, you throw nickels around like they were manhole covers. Or you could claim that your target had to wait to get his last purse because no one in the arena could break a $50 bill.
Describe how badly you will beat the target. You may say, hey Charlie, after I beat you down you will require hand surgery. Why? Because every time I knock you down the referee will step on your hands. Or make fun of his punching technique as in, hey Mook, you couldn?t hit water if you fell out of a boat. To denote some authenticity, misspell a couple of words and toss in one or two obvious grammatical errors so no one thinks college graduate and former heavyweight champion
James ?Bonecrusher? Smith, truly a man of letters, penned the diatribe for you.
Pitch your poison pen open letter exclusively to Boxingconfidential.com. because I hear tell they have a New York Post graduate who replicates great tabloid headlines such as HEADLESS BODY IN TOPLESS BAR. A nifty headline draws readers into the circus tent
Use “with all due respect” as a shield and a distractor. Example: Hey, Freddie, with all due respect, the only thing that kept you out of the sixth grade was the fifth grade. The “all due respect” phrase often catches the opponent by surprise and throws him off balance.
So much for necessary elements. Let me also give you flamethrowers and flamecatchers alike a bad example of namecalling. Don?t ask me how I got my hands on the transcript but I am told this is a verbatim ?insult: exchange between Samuel Peter and Vitali Klitschko:
VKLIT: Sir, I understand you to be a pleasant chap with a fine sense of humor.
PETER: Indeed, my good man, and I hear that you are a perspiring politician of the highest rank and class. Even Rudy Giuliani has been sniffing around your campaign to become mayor of Kiev. I have urged all the Nigerians in Kiev to support you fully.
VLKIT: Ah, my African brother, I can only say it is a pleasure to be fighting you after your London tune up against Tom Atocan.
PETER; May I also inquire as to the health and well being of your brother, Wladimir? He is also a lord of the manor. I am glad Les Freres Klitschko have such dignity and class as opposed to one of those despicable American cads.
VLKIT: Point well taken about those louts and oafs. Care to name any such names, my friend?
PETER: That Shannon Briggs fellow, a dreadful and dreadlocked creature who comes oozing out of a Brooklyn sewer.
VKLIT: Indeed, Sir Samuel, indeed. This cretin and others of his ilk make my skin crawl.
Btw, in case anyone did not like this treatise, remember this: 1, my watch costs more than your bleeping house; 2, I was dating Jessica Alba until I refused her plea for marriage and 3, you can kiss my bleeping bleep in Macy?s window and 4, when I say bleeping bleep I?m talking about where the sun don?t shine.
Respectfully Yours,
(mlcmarley@aol.com)
